Ever found yourself in the middle of a conversation with your wife, only to realize you’ve stepped right into the landmine of unintentional insults? It’s a classic scene, and if astrology teaches us anything, it’s that communication misfires are often written in the stars. Husbands can unknowingly turn what could be a simple discussion into a full-blown argument—shutting down their wives and creating a reminiscent whirlwind of frustration. It’s not like you meant to, right? But as the planets align, it’s often our lack of awareness that leads to those commonly misused phrases. The good news? Recognizing the impact of your words can be the key to unlocking not just healthier conversations but a much stronger marriage. If you’ve ever found yourself fumbling for the right words when the spotlight’s on you, you’re not alone. Let’s dive into some of the phrases that could be causing those unexpected rifts in your relationship. LEARN MORE.

Husbands often make the mistake of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, turning a discussion into an argument and shutting down your wife. You don’t intend to cause a problem, but a lack of awareness and self-control can make it a challenge for her.

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These common phrases seep into our communication patterns and can be used without us realizing the impact they have the moment we say them. Recognizing how your words and their timing affect interactions can lead to healthier interactions and a stronger marriage.

Husbands who hard to love often say a few annoying things:

1. ‘Relax’

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No woman wants to be told to “relax.” Why? Because it’s incredibly condescending and can come across as overtly derogatory. When you tell your wife to relax, you communicate that her anger and frustration are unwarranted and that she is overreacting. 

In your heightened emotional state, would you feel good being called out for expressing those emotions? I’m guessing not. And so it isn’t for your wife. Telling your wife to relax will make the conversation unproductive because it will heighten her emotions. 

When this happens, the conversation might swerve away from the issue and become more about how disrespectful you are for telling her to relax. If you see your wife’s emotions getting heightened in a way you feel is dangerous or unproductive, don’t tell her to relax. Tell her you see she is upset and ask what you can do to help.

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2. ‘You’re being unreasonable’

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Here is another crucial thing to never say to your wife. Why? Because, again, it’s incredibly condescending.

Yes, you might think your wife’s point is unreasonable. After all, we are different people with different expectations, and hers might not match yours in a certain instance. But it doesn’t mean she is wrong, and if you tell her she is, it will shut down the conversation immediately.

If you believe your wife is being unreasonable, keep it to yourself. Let her express how she feels, and try to respect her perspective. If you can understand her perspective instead of casting aspersions on it, you will have a better chance of keeping the conversation going and putting the issue to bed.

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3. ‘I’ll be late again’

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We’re all late sometimes; we’re only human. But if we are chronically late, it can become a problem. When I was married, my husband struggled to get anywhere on time. I know he didn’t do it maliciously. But in the moment, it felt like a personal affront. I had spent time and energy organizing something or had committed to an invitation, and he didn’t respect those things, which made me angry.

So, what happened? When he got home, I didn’t talk to him. I got passive-aggressive about what he had done. I eventually picked a fight about it, which led to us slinging wrongs done back and forth at each other unproductively.

Do you struggle to make it to events on time? Does not getting home from work on time for dinner happen regularly because you weren’t managing your time well? If so, you are creating problems you don’t need. Next time you know where you must be, make a concerted effort to be there on time. If you are asked to commit and you might not be able to be there on time, tell your wife. You are much more likely to keep things on an even keel if she knows you will be late, and you don’t let her down.

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4. ‘Your mother/sister/friend is crazy’

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Hopefully, you can see why telling your wife that someone she confides in is crazy would be a problem. They’re her people, and insulting them won’t get you anywhere. Unfortunately, telling one’s wife her confidants are crazy happens often. Why does this happen? When an issue arises that needs discussion, a man is often caught off guard. 

Perhaps he knew it was an issue and had chosen to forget it. Maybe he didn’t know it was an issue. Maybe he knew it was an issue but wasn’t planning to discuss it at the moment. Well, you can be sure that if there is an issue, your wife has talked to a friend/sister/mother about it. Women like to process things with others, and because their friends are women, they understand and empathize with whatever the issue is.

If you tell your wife her friend/sister/mother is crazy, you shut down the conversation immediately because those women support and understand her in ways you might not, and that matters. Using this phrase is a common way men have used to control women in society and in relationships, and is a factor in gaslighting behavior.

So, instead of telling your wife her friends are crazy, stay silent. Her friends’ perspectives are vital to her, even if you think they are unreasonable. If you can skip disparaging your wife’s friends, you won’t shut down the conversation and might even resolve whatever issue is at hand.

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5. ‘I’m out of here’

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We see this in movies and on TV. A couple disagrees, and one of them storms out of the room in frustration. This will shut your wife down immediately. I’m guessing your wife has even done it to you at one point, and you tell yourself it doesn’t shut you down. But I’m also guessing you might be kidding yourself. Has any issue ever been resolved when one of you storms out of the room, or does it get kicked down the road until it comes up again?

If you need to remove yourself from the situation, tell your wife. Tell her you feel overwhelmed or angry, and that the best thing to do is step away for the time being. You will not ignore the issue. But it would help if you had some time to process and calm down. I know this takes self-control, but if you can do this, you are much more likely to keep everyone focused on the issue at hand instead of the fact that you rudely stormed off.

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6. ‘Why can’t you just let it go?’

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It’s an interesting difference between men and women: men tend to forget an issue ever happened, while women can catalog every issue by date and subject. Because of this discrepancy, many conversations can get derailed.

If you are in a conversation with your wife and she is bringing up ancient history again, don’t ask her why she can’t let it go, because she can’t, or she wouldn’t be discussing it. I know it’s frustrating for you, maybe because you are being forced to defend something you don’t remember, but telling your wife to let it go is a bad idea.

Instead of asking your wife to let something go, ask her how you can settle the issue once and for all. She will be way more open and willing to do something if you discuss the issue than if you are disdainful; she hasn’t been able to let it go.

I know it’s challenging to stay aware of yourself and your words in any interaction between spouses, and I also know most people would do whatever they can to avoid them. If you are about to say something to your wife, either in frustration or anger, pause and ask how it would feel if someone said those same words to you. Asking yourself this question can help you understand the effect your words might have because you know how they might affect you.

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Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals striving to heal toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi’s bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.

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