Dear Stephen,

In Other News..."Billie Eilish Unmasks the Shocking Truth Behind Her Tourette's Misunderstanding – You Won't Believe What People Think!"

I’m pretty sure I have OCD, because for as long as I remember I’ve always been counting things. It’s not even like I do it consciously; it just sort of happens. Like, I can tell you how often I’ve seen a specific type of car, how often I’ve visited my favorite restaurant, and yes, how often I’ve had sex.

ANYWAYS, my long-term boyfriend randomly asked me how many times we’ve had sex. I automatically answered, and now he’s angry. He says it’s weird I know the number and that I might be a creep. But, I mean, I don’t understand why he asked if he didn’t want to know. I feel like he was purposefully tricking me since he knows about my counting. And now he’s refusing to have sex with me. How do I apologize to him for knowing that number?

—Counting Coitus

Dear Counting Coitus,

An apology is in order, but not from you. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s hard to imagine what he even thinks you did wrong. Three theories:

1.

He feels violated. This would be reasonable if sex was the only thing you were counting, like if you were keeping tabs on it purposefully to prove some sort of a point. But that’s clearly not what you’re doing.

2.

He’s embarrassed by the number. For example, if he’s got a lower libido and the number is low as a result. But if that’s the case, he should not be twisting his own insecurities into something for you to feel bad about.

3.

He’s worried about your counting more broadly. If so, he should state it directly and with ample tact and care, rather than trying to bait you into a really dumb trap.

Sit him down and ask him to articulate what, specifically, his concern is. If there’s anything substantive to his answer — like, if he thinks your counting is interfering with your life and wellbeing — it might be worth talking to a therapist to get their take.

But whether or not your boyfriend has any semblance of a point, I can’t shake the feeling that he might be a prick. Baiting you, calling you names, withholding sex to punish you — these are not the markings of genuine concern. They sound more like emotional abuse. Maybe that’s the first order of business to discuss with a therapist.

Dear Stephen,

What should I say when I’m using a restroom and someone knocks on the door? “Yes?” feels weird. “Occupied” feels like an old man. “I’m in here” feels aggressive…I want to say something because the silence and then the door handle jiggling and prayers that I locked the door give me such anxiety, but I want to say the right thing.

—Polite While Peeing

Dear Polite While Peeing,

I’m a fan of a cheerful “Just a minute!” although that may or may not be true, depending on the task before you. Other viable options: “Someone’s in here!” and “One moment please!”

Of course, the person on the other side of the door doesn’t care too much what words you use. All they want to know is whether someone is in there. Screeching like a hawk would probably suffice.

DRAWING BREAK!

Today’s drawing is inspired by the letter above, and a recent experience I had at a coffee shop when a man went into the only bathroom and decided to make that house a home. I’d had a large iced coffee and I am not being dramatic when I tell you I thought I was going to die.

Anyway, when I am president all public bathroom doorknobs will have three options:

Dear Stephen,

I am a 21-year-old woman graduating university with a marketing degree at the end of the year, and I’m having some doubts about my future.

I chose marketing at 17 because it seemed fun, but the longer I study the more I have started to resent it. I hate how predatory it can feel, and I feel like I’ll have to squash some of my morals to make a career in the industry. I have a social media internship at my local sports club and really enjoy that, but the club can’t afford to hire me full-time after graduation.

I’m also finding myself increasingly jealous of my younger brother, who chose to go to study music after finishing high school.

Should I enter the corporate world, or spend the next few years pursuing something more creative like music?

—University Blues

Dear University Blues,

You know more about marketing than I do, both because you studied it and also because the average barn animal knows more about marketing than I do. But I think you should challenge the assumption that all marketing jobs would be sleazy.

Can you use the skills you’ve learned for good? Small businesses need marketing to beat Amazon. Nonprofits need marketing to fund their work. Libraries need marketing to bring people in the door. Musicians like yourself need marketing to get their art into people’s ears. These gigs may not earn you the fancy car you’d get doing marketing for Lockheed Martin, but at least you’ll have a shot at heaven.

There’s also the fact that you actually liked the one marketing job you’ve had! It’s a bummer that the sports club can’t hire you, but the knowledge that you enjoyed running social media for a local organization is useful.

I hope this doesn’t sound like I am telling you to pursue marketing instead of something more creative. Here’s the secret: it’s not an either/or. Artists often sustain themselves with commercial skills at first, and you have some good ones. Did you know that John Legend was a consultant for years before doing music full-time?

Take all the things you like — singing! social media! doing good in the world! — and organize them into a life that keeps your soul happy and your rent paid. It will take time to figure that out, but that is precisely what your 20s are for. Good luck.

And if you’ve got a problem you’d like me to solve, send it in via my anonymous form. I am no licensed professional, but hey, I am free. See you next time!