Penn Badgley spoke about experiencing “body dysmorphia” when he was younger.

The You and Gossip Girl star began acting as a child, taking on a multi-episode arc on the soap The Young and the Restless when he was just 14. In a new interview with the Guardian, Penn said, of child acting, that he “would certainly not recommend it to anybody.”

His entry to Hollywood came amid his parents’ divorce, and he called acting “an opportunity to put a pause on the collapsing family dynamic, sort of have this escape, or this fantasy.”

Subsequently, Penn said that he experienced “body dysmorphia,” though he said he was not diagnosed by a medical professional. As per the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation, body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is “characterized by a preoccupation with one or more perceived defects or flaws in appearance, which are unnoticeable to others.”

“I know that I hated my body and simply wanted a different one,” he explained, noting that he would overeat, likely as a response to his parents’ split and being isolated. While he idolized men in movies, he said that obtaining such a body “just seemed like an impossibility.”

“There was just a period where, coming out of depression and isolation, I was jumping wilfully into, but also being thrust into, this world where the more conventionally beautiful I seemed, the more successful I might be, the more value I might have. There’s no way to get past the superficiality of this work, and if you recognise that, you can’t help but recognise the superficiality of our culture, because of the way it rewards this work,” he added.

Of course, Penn made his debut as Dan in Gossip Girl when he was 20. “What was that show other than aesthetic? That was its thing, the way we all looked,” he recalled. “I didn’t particularly love the superficial celebrity aspect of the way I was perceived.” Indeed, he said he considered quitting acting altogether at one point — but attributes the Baha’í faith to fostering a more secure handle on the industry.