Ever wondered if Mercury in retrograde messes not just with your text messages but also with your marriage vibes? Yeah, breaking up is tough, but splitting up a marriage? That’s a whole other galaxy of complicated feels. We get so used to having that person orbiting in our daily lives that when they vanish, it’s like the cosmos just shifted—and hello, scary unknown. It takes some serious guts and a dash of conviction to say, “I’m out.” And surprise! Women are the cosmic warriors here. According to a study by the American Sociological Association, they’re initiating nearly 70% of divorces. So, if you’re feeling like you’re drifting alone through your emotional starfield, doubting yourself more than ever, or replaying moments when you thought, “Maybe I should’ve bailed then,” it might not be just bad luck in the stars—it could be time to reclaim your own universe. Let’s dive into five telltale signs that research says could mean divorce is not just an option, but possibly the healthiest orbit for you right now. LEARN MORE
Ending a relationship is devastating; ending a marriage is even more daunting. Whether relationships are good or bad, we come to rely on the other person’s presence in our lives, and without them, life feels scary and unknown. Deciding to leave a relationship takes courage and conviction.
However, women initiate divorce more often than men. According to the American Sociological Association study of 2,262 adults, ages 19 to 94, “women initiated 69 percent of all divorces, compared to 31 percent for men.”
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You see your friends less frequently, and when you do, you don’t feel the connection you once did. People who once held an important space in your life and offered you valuable guidance seem to have lost their value. Even when you are with friends or family, you find yourself feeling isolated and alone.
If your partner has subtly undermined the people you are close to, it’s more likely you will feel this way. “Emotional abuse can include verbal assault, dominance, control, isolation, ridicule, or the use of intimate knowledge for degradation,” according to a 2005 study from the American Psychological Association (APA).
Having formerly strong, close relationships undermined is a sure sign your partner doesn’t have your best interests at heart, or feels jealous of your other close relationships. It’s time to analyze the reasons and assess whether your partner respects the people you feel connected to.
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Even if it’s a simple task, such as buying groceries for dinner or choosing a restaurant for a meal, you notice you worry about making the wrong decision. Your mind goes back to all the times your partner criticized your choices, however simple, and you feel afraid of disappointing your partner again.
You do remember a time when you felt confident in yourself and your choices, but you can’t seem to find that part of yourself anymore. If your partner repeatedly chips away at you by undermining your choices, then perhaps it’s no longer about your choices, but about their standards.
If your relationship has damaged your self-esteem, this is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship, which requires some deep reflection and hard work. A study of gaslighting behavior in romantic relationships showed, “Gaslighting victimization was associated with a diminished sense of self, mistrust of others, and on occasion, post-traumatic growth. Those who recovered from gaslighting often emphasized the importance of separation from the perpetrator, prioritization of healthier relationships, and engaging in meaningful and re-embodying activities.”
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If you find yourself reminiscing about a time when it would have been simpler to end the relationship, but now feel stuck because your lives are too intertwined, this could mean you still want to leave, as supported by a 2020 study.
Fantasizing about having the strength, resources, or conviction to leave the relationship is a sign that there is an underlying desire to go, or at the least, take your power back within the relationship.
If you reminisce about times when you were stronger, then it means your gumption has weakened. Healthy relationships foster strength and self-esteem, and if you don’t feel this, then it could be time to reevaluate the relationship.
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You try as hard as you can to do things in a way that pleases your partner, yet no matter what you do, you’re still criticized. A 2015 study of couples showed the interplay between perceived hostile criticism, emotional regulation, and emotional suppression in resolving relationship conflict.
Even though you’re doing your utmost to create a good life or a happy relationship, it seems your partner often finds a reason to let you know why your best just isn’t enough.
Once you’re at this stage, it’s very difficult to even see that you’re in an unhealthy relationship. You begin accepting all the messages from your partner that you aren’t good enough. Deferring to your partner constantly about whether you’re good enough, only to find yourself being put down, means there are detrimental dynamics taking place in the relationship.
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You notice that when you talk with friends or family, you often talk your relationship up, even though you know in your heart that things are dire. You look back on communications with others and struggle to see the truth in what you tell them.
If you are covering up the dysfunction within the relationship, this is a sign that there’s no returning from this kind of dynamic. If your partner is adamant that discussions about the relationship remain private and only between the two of you, that’s a problem. Needing to hide how things really are is damaging.
A study in The Personality and Social Psychology Review helped explain how healthy partners encourage their loved ones to create spaces to vent or discuss the relationship honestly, so if this isn’t happening, that’s a red flag that the relationship is moving towards some very harmful undercurrents.
While the signs above are only meant as a guide, most of us know in our hearts (and our guts) when things are bad for us.
Perhaps, there are a multitude of reasons why leaving a marriage is unthinkable, including financial ties, children, and other mutual responsibilities.
Making sure that you have the strength and resources to cope in whatever situation you choose is vital, but staying in a relationship that is destroying you from the inside out is detrimental. Seeking professional help or talking, honestly, with trusted confidants could help you to see the truth of the situation and know what the next best move could be.
Gia Ravazzotti is a therapist and relationship counselor whose desire is to see people achieve connection and intimacy with themselves to facilitate deeper relationships with those around them.
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