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These 8 Secret Phrases Stop Couples From Throwing Down—And No, It’s Not “I’m Sorry, You’re Right” (Shocking!)

Added on November 16, 2025 inASTROLOGY CARDS

Ever get caught in a battle where words fly like asteroids—and suddenly, you’re not the adult in the room but an eight-year-old kid remembering a childhood battlefield? Yeah, that was me once, frozen mid-session with a feisty wife and her shell-shocked husband—two people who could’ve been reenacting my own family drama. Talk about Mercury in retrograde vibes messing with your trauma trance! Sometimes, the best way to cool a heated showdown isn’t shouting louder but passing a simple handwritten note that says, “Talk to me like I’m someone you love.” Sounds almost too easy to be true, right? But trust me, after decades of trial and error, these little flashcards of peace-making phrases have saved more relationships than a full moon’s worth of apologies. Wanna know the eight magic lines couples swear by to quash the chaos? Buckle up—this is where big fights get small and love gets loud without the yelling. LEARN MORE.”

Many years ago, as a newbie couples therapist, I was in a session with an extremely combative wife and an emotionally battered husband who could have been stand-ins for my parents. When the woman called her husband “asinine”, a not common word that happened to have been one of my mother’s favorites, I went into what is known as a trauma trance.

I more or less froze and found it hard to speak. I had been reduced to 8-year-old Nancy living at 90 Oak Avenue, Metuchen, New Jersey. I was once again the impotent victim of my parents’ never-ending warfare. Some part of me remembered I was supposed to be the therapist, but unable to speak, I went to my desk, found a used envelope, and scribbled.

8 phrases used by couples who naturally resist big fights

1. ‘Talk to me like I’m someone you love.’

Said the note I handed to the dazed husband and motioned for him to hold it up to the woman across from him. I don’t know which one of us was more shocked by the outcome, but in a nanosecond, Madame Belligerence dropped down, went startlingly silent for a good 90 seconds, and with a little awkwardness and a softer tone, uttered a sincere, “I’m sorry I went on like that.”

The husband quietly said, “Thanks.” I understand penicillin was also discovered by accident, and humbly submit it has helped save many more lives than I ever will, but in the moment the wife pivoted, I knew I had just stumbled upon a miracle.

For several decades, I have experimented with written messages and have found nothing better to stop an argument right in the trenches and move things in a friendlier direction. I’ve written a whole compendium of them, which I call Flashcards for Real Life, and here are some of my favorites.

2. ‘I wish you could hear this as me saying yes to myself, not no to you.’

Couple naturally resisting big fights saying yes to herself La Famiglia via Shutterstock

What often underlies our caution about speaking our truth is a fear that our partner is going to take things personally and react defensively. I cannot promise that your partner will not take something personally, but this message will majorly soften their response.

3. ‘I think I’m supposed to know how to do this, but honestly, I have no idea.’

So often in an upset with a loved one, we get stuck in a rigid position and belligerently resist whatever our partner wants or is trying to communicate. In some way, we have lost our better selves.

This message introduces immediate humility. Usually, the statement is true, and it allows both partners to regain their humanness and stop seeing each other as monsters.

4. ‘I can see why you’d be upset with me.’

Talk about magic! The sender is acknowledging their partner’s reactivity makes sense to them, and is even deserved. There is little you can do to make your partner immediately feel safer and more open-hearted with you. Much, much more effective than a mere, “I love you.”

5. ‘When you are so intense, it’s hard to take in what might be valid about what you’re saying.’

This one is so effective because the real message is, I want to hear what’s valid about what you’re saying. This has been known to have an immediate calming effect, because in truth, intensity is usually about the terror that no one cares about what I’m feeling or saying right now.

6. ‘I failed to see you, and I know that wasn’t fair.’

Couple who resists big fights and makes peace using key phrases PeopleImages.com Yuri A via Shutterstock

Saying something like, “my need for you to see my good intentions was so overpowering, I acted like you didn’t exist. I feel terrible” can go along way!

Little can make your partner feel seen than recognizing that you failed to see them. And like many of these flashcards, the willingness to take responsibility for your impact on your partner is usually the pivot from letting them know how miserable they’ve been making you. This will evoke in them, sometimes instantly, a willingness to acknowledge their own “unskillful or bad” behavior.

7. ‘What could I say that would make you feel understood?’

I was fascinated that my book first became a best-seller in the audio version. After all, it’s a book of flashcards with a strong visual component. The feedback I got said it was so refreshing and uncommon to hear human voices sounding rational and friendly in the midst of a rupture.

Delivered verbally, this message almost always carries an underlying tone of exasperation, as if there’s an unspoken exasperated “enough already” attached to it. Expressed in written form without voicetone, it comes across as someone wanting to do right by you.

8. ‘I love you. I hate fighting. Can’t we just hug?’

Usually, by the time the less reactive of the two of you reaches for this flashcard, both of you have been feeling stuck in a downward spiral and will feel enormous relief if someone indicates a let’s-call-it-quits, infused with some warmth. At one level, it’s not the most profound communication, but it is a potent reminder that you’d actually rather be close than fight. This alone motivates partners to get out of their previous “positions.”

More for You:

When we are in conflict with someone, our fight-or-flight mechanism is operating at full tilt, looking and listening for any sign of danger.

One could verbalize to a weary partner, “I really love you and hate this,” but unfortunately, if there is a mere 2% exasperation in the voice tone, our defenses tend to focus on this and not allow meaningful trust to arise. The written messages are so effective because of eliminating voicetone and because The Sender is courageously breaking the set and initiating a peace offering in the midst of a miserable conflict.

You’ll have to try it for yourself, but you might be amazed to see how quickly a little goodwill spontaneously offered to an embattled partner can move ~~crazy~~ uncomfortable back to cozy.

Nancy Dreyfus is a former reporter who has worked as a psychotherapist for more than 25 years. Her book, Talk To Me Like Someone You Love is a guidebook for repairing relationships at any stage.