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She’s Not Asking For A Miracle—Just 10 Genius Hacks Smart Women Use To Magically Make Their Partners Actually Change (No Witchcraft Required!)

Added on November 2, 2025 inASTROLOGY CARDS

Ever catch yourself obsessing over your partner’s latest mood swing or cryptic remark instead of taking a good, hard look at your own circus of behaviors? Yep, me too — and let’s be real, vulnerability’s all the rage for turning up the heat in relationships, but there’s a fine line before it turns into a blame game disaster. Think about it: trying to fix your partner is like betting on a Mercury retrograde to clear up your Wi-Fi—hopeful but mostly frustrating. Take Tim and Megan, stuck in their own loop of “why won’t he change?” and “she’s just not the same anymore.” Sound familiar? Spoiler alert: The magic doesn’t lie in changing your partner but in owning your slice of the relationship pie. With today’s cosmic vibes nudging us to embrace personal growth over cosmic blame, maybe it’s time to stop wishing he’d morph into your ideal version and start focusing on how you show up. Ready to see what brilliant women do differently when caught in the change-wish trap? Buckle up—this ride’s about shifting perspective, ditching the blame, and, heck, maybe even saving your sanity (and your love life) in the process. LEARN MORE.

Do you spend more time second-guessing your partner’s comments or reactions than examining your own behavior? While I believe it’s important to be vulnerable with your partner — to be open and reveal yourself without fear of rejection — it’s also crucial to take responsibility for your own actions.

While vulnerability can enhance intimacy between you and your partner, blaming your relationship problems on negative traits in your partner can be disastrous for your relationship because it further divides you as a couple. And though you may like the idea of how to change, that’s not how to get the guy, especially when you’re trying to “fix” him or change who he is.

A typical example is Tim and Megan, both in their mid-thirties and married for seven years. “I’ve been unhappy for some time,” complains Megan. “I’ve asked Tim to be more considerate of my needs, but things don’t appear to be changing. It feels like I’m at the bottom of his list.” To this, Tim laments: “Megan just doesn’t make me happy anymore, and things just aren’t getting better.”

The common thread in these statements is this couple’s focus on “fixing” the other person rather than on taking specific actions to change their part in an undesirable relationship dynamic.

Trying to change someone is deadly to an intimate relationship. It dawned on me recently that even though I don’t think of myself as a controlling person, my fix-it attitude about changing my partners has been problematic throughout my life. Dr. Lisa Firestone writes, “The focus needs to shift away from how to ‘fix’ the other person and toward a broader view of how to repair the relationship.”

10 things brilliant women do when they think their partner needs to change:

1. They accept their partner isn’t going to change

In other words, you can’t change a cat into a dog. Love just isn’t enough to change a person’s basic nature and upbringing.

If you fall in love with someone who is reserved and you are more outgoing and need outward signs of affection to feel secure, you’ll feel chronically dissatisfied. Most likely, these differences will probably eat away at loving feelings over time and erode positive feelings in your relationship.

2. They focus on their own life first

Smart woman focuses to get her partner to change PeopleImages.com – Yuri A via Shutterstock

Many people stay in dysfunctional relationships with the unconscious desire to change their partner.

According to codependency and relationship expert Ross Rosenberg, this pattern is common, and couples often stay in highly dysfunctional relationships to their own detriment. Rosenberg notes, “The inherently dysfunctional ‘codependency dance’ requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist).”

3. They zoom out and look at the big issues

Ask yourself: What am I trying to accomplish? Avoid name-calling and don’t attack your partner personally.

Remember that anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration, so keep things in perspective. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).

4. They change their perspective

This doesn’t mean you should tolerate any kind of abuse or disrespect. It means that your expectations impact the way you feel about your partner and their actions. In general, you will be as happy or disappointed with your romantic relationship depending on how well your perceptions of what is happening match your expectations.

5. They communicate honestly

Be sure to be forthcoming about your concerns and express your thoughts, feelings, and wishes respectfully. Stop the “blame game” and examine your part in disputes or conflicts.

6. They air their grievances and move toward healing

Woman wanting her partner to change, but she focuses on healing instead Kamira via Shutterstock

Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner’s behavior when you find it to be negative. Listen to your partner’s side of the story. Are there times when you feel mistrustful or hurt, even when they present evidence to the contrary about your grievance?

7. They practice forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you, but it will allow you to move on. Try to remember you are on the same team. Accept that people do the best they can and try to be more understanding.

This doesn’t mean you accept your partner’s hurtful actions. You simply come to a more realistic view and give them less power over you.

If your relationship is healthy, develop a mindset of acceptance and forgiveness about daily disappointments. After all, none of us is perfect. Don’t let it impact you greatly, and try to let go of small annoyances.

8. They take responsibility for their part in the conflict

One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. Julie and John Gottman wrote: “One person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.”

Apologize to your partner when appropriate. This will validate their feelings and promote forgiveness, and allow you both to move on.

9. They avoid criticism

Smart woman avoids criticizing partner to get him to change Pheelings media via Shutterstock

In Dr. Gottman’s acclaimed book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, he posits that criticizing your partner is one of the main causes of divorce. It is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on the person. Consequently, you are cutting to the core of their character when you criticize.

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For instance, a complaint is: “I was worried when you were late. We agreed that you’d call when you were running late.” Versus a criticism: “You never think about me, you’re so selfish!”

10. They allow themselves to be vulnerable (with boundaries)

While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help you weather the storms of life, they can also rob you of true intimacy. For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel they are needed and appreciated for the support they give. Trying to change your partner can prevent you from influencing each other and achieving true intimacy.

Fortunately, even if you’re in a relationship that’s heading in a bad direction, some strategies can set you and your partner on the right path again. Taking responsibility for your part in negative patterns of relating to your partner is the hallmark of a successful marriage.

Additionally, compromise is an essential tool for preserving love that will last a lifetime. Discussing concerns when they arise in a timely and respectful way will help you become better at repair skills. If you embrace the notion that conflict is an inevitable part of an intimate relationship and that not all problems have to be resolved, you’ll bounce back from disagreements faster and build a successful, long-lasting relationship.

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.