“Unveiling the Surprising Connection Between a Dress, a Ring, and a Wheel – What Shack Man Has in Store!”
Added on March 31, 2025 inASTROLOGY CARDS
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Chapter 33 – One Dress & One Ring, With Wheels, Please!
Fasten your seatbelts, folks! We’re about to dive into a spontaneous whirlwind of wedding planning, astrological insights, and sisterly banter that could fuel an entire reality show episode. Have you ever found yourself caught in the cosmic crossfire of love and last-minute decisions? I mean, when the stars say ‘elopement’ but your wardrobe screams ‘crisis,’ what’s a gal to do? Join me as I navigate the rollercoaster that is planning a wedding with style—or at least the pursuit of finding a dress that won’t send me running for the hills. Spoiler alert: it involves a dash to the mall, a questionable fashion consultant, and a sparkling ring that may or may not involve some vintage flair! Curious how this all unfolds? Buckle up, and let’s roll! LEARN MORE.
Chapter 33 – One Dress & One Ring, With Wheels, Please!
“Your decision?” my sister, asked. “I thought he was the one making a decision. Did he make a decision?”
“Yes.”
“Elsa! More than one word! What was he deciding and what was his decision, that made you decide to elope… this weekend, no less!”
I ran it all down for her.
“Okay! So wedding in Vegas, this weekend. You know I can’t be there. Is that okay?”
“Yes.”
“One word. Stop it! You’re getting married and have nothing but one word to say?”
‘Uh… no. I’m getting married, and everything is good. I just need a dress… very soon, because I will worry, until I know what I am going to wear. What am I going to wear?” I ask.
“Jesus, Elsa. A dress, obviously. Let me think! She paused. “Are you tapping your toe?! Don’t answer with one word. In fact, don’t answer me at all. I know you’re tapping, something. I see you need to get this now. One moment, please. You’re asking a Pisces to think. It’s not easy.”
Long pause
“Okay! I cannot find you a dress, and get it there in two days. It’s not a good idea. I can’t see it on you and it may not fit and you may not like what I choose. If I send you a dress and it doesn’t fit or you don’t like it, then what?”
“Oh no.”
“Don’t worry. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get your dress and it will work for you. That’s what took me so long, thinking. I had to make sure what I just said is true. It is.”
“Whew!”
“The one word, whew, is right. Wait’ll I tell my friends, you’re getting married and you’d like your dress today. To-fucking-day! They all want to meet you and see if you are real. I say, she’s real! She is real as hell! Realer than you are, though you’re fake so that’s not saying much! That’s I what I tell ’em.” We both laugh. “And now you tell me, Shack’s mother does gowns? Guess who else sews wedding gowns?”
“Jim’s mother, with the pink carpet.”
“Yep! She wanted to make a wedding dress for you and she was not a bitch! I thought of something else, too. What did your first boyfriend, Layne, do after he met you?”
“Went home and fixed his van so he could take me on a date.”
“Right! And, Shack fixed his car for the same reason. So you start hearts; you also start engines. Come to think of it, you start men’s engines, too.” We both snort. “My Gemini had to throw that in!”
I laughed. What she was saying could not be denied.
“Back to the topic at hand: Operation Dress, Shack’s mother doesn’t know what she’s missing. You are fun to dress. What a stupid bitch she is.”
“I NEED A DRESS!” I said, emphatically.
“Okay, okay! You’ll have it. But you need someone to help you. Kay?”
“Yes, she’ll help me.”
“Does she have any fashion sense?”
“She shaved one leg but not the other, because she couldn’t decide. She also wore turquoise bracelet over her ear a few times, plus she wears dirty farm pants, so no.”
My sister laughed her ass off. “I’m going to get free clothing, for telling this story,” she said. “What, pray tell, are farm pants? She wears dirty pants? Never mind, you can tell me later. This is plenty. I’m going in and tell ‘em, gimme that pair of leggings, and I’ll tell you what my sister’s doing next!” She smokes. “They will pay, believe me.”
We had to stop and laugh and snort for a very long time.
“Okay, Elsa. I was able to think, while laughing, courtesy of my grand cross. Actually, Kay, is a good choice. At least she won’t let you pick something boring! That would be criminal. Let me think…”
I wait.
“Yeah, this’ll work. It will work well, even. I’ll need to talk to her though. And you’re forbidden to buy anything, until I’ve had a chance to hear it described. One of you be ready to do that. I’ll need details. You should be the one to give me the rundown. But she should be ready as back up, on the chance we find you, struck dumb with a single word in your mouth.”
Silence.
“Yeah, it will be okay. Get, Kay, and go to the best mall in your city. But have her call me, first. I need to tell her some things about you.”
“Like what?”
“How it is to shop with you. She has to watch your face. Your face is as important as whatever you have on. This is why I said you need someone to come with you. You can’t see you own face.”
“I see, I see.” I don’t question my sister’s methods. I know they work!
“I will also be giving her some guidelines. Like not to bore you or him. But I’m talking about things like fabrics, you should never, ever wear. Same with colors. Length of the dress. Neckline. Sleeves, you can’t be caught dead in…”
“Okay, okay.”
“One word, twice, now. Lovely. You brain is so gone, I’m starting to wonder if your husband-to-be has even met you. Has he?”
“Does carnal knowledge count?” I ask.
“Oh, God. I see you still have your 8th house. There’s the, Elsa, I know.”
“To continue with Operation Dress. I will talk to, Kay. Then Kay and Elsa go to the mall. Just the main stores, don’t bother with anything else. If you find a possibility, ask them to hold it. Find a payphone and call me. I will be waiting. I will judge the garment and see if it will work.”
“Okay!”
“If there is no dress at the mall, then God help us all, especially the people who work there, but you will have to hit the boutiques. If that happens, I still want you to bring, Kay, to watch your face, but when you go in, just ask them to call me, or I will call them. Farm pants and boutique clothing stores do not mix! This is important. Those girls can put you in something hideous. Some of them got their jobs, just because they’re skinny,” she adds. “They have zero taste.”
“Skinny?”
“One word again and it’s my word you’re repeating. Have I told you I hate your new style of communication? Yes, skinny. They’re in there, because they look good in the clothes. People see them and come in and try to look like them. Anyway, I said you were fun to dress, not easy to dress. You are not at all easy to dress and this can go hideously wrong if someone gets hold of you and doesn’t know what they’re doing.”
“The key thing to remember is nothing get purchased, until I give the okay. If you can’t find anything in Denver, which is doubtful, then we’re going to have to get you something in, Vegas. That will be a whole other can of worms, but it’s doable. We will do it! There’s no one in this world who can dress you better than me. It’s a tea length dress. I’m starting to see it. Are we settled about the dress?”
“Yes.”
She sighs over my single word. “Ring? What have you decided about that? I know you know, because I haven’t heard a single word about it.”
“I decided I want, Shack’s ring design. Ruby or otherwise. He has terrific taste so my intention is to get an inexpensive ring as a stand-in for a real ring, which he can get at any time or any way he likes.”
“Oh, that’s good. He’ll like that. It’s wide open. That’s the perfect solution to this! Elsa is back, at least now and then. I’d think your brain is returning except for your single words. Are you going to mall for that?”
“I don’t think so. I’m going to see, Paula. She’s the gal at the vintage store, where I get my coats and purses. She’s a gal with a tantric sex boyfriend.”
She laughs. “How do you find all these weirdos?”
“7th house Uranus. She’s always trying to talk me into not having orgasms,” I said, snorting.
“Oh, well good luck with that. She owns the store? If she owns the store, she probably has taste. I’m sure she does. If Libra can’t decide, she can make the decision for you. This sounds good, Elsa. I mean that sincerely. I don’t think you’re going to have any problems. I also think you’re marrying the right man. There are too many signs.”
“For your information, I also would have chosen this option too. Get married as fast as you can and get the fuck away from those parents and the bitch sister, before they do anymore damage with their razor knives. I like this guy. I like his brother and I like, Sprout and the Italian. The rest of these people should be lined up and shot. Oh, and the kids! I like the kids as well,” she says, smoking.
“Look at this way, Elsa. At least you know who your enemies are. They’re the ones with the razor knives and fangs out. They don’t even try to hide it. I wish I had a crack at them, but I know you’re not like me. Leeee-bra! Well I have, Aries! If the brothers ever do decide to kill them, I will help with that, the same as I will help with your dress.” I snorted. “Is there anything else?”
“No. I’m going to call, Kay, and tell her we’re going to the mall.”
“Good. She has some Pisces, right?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Then I can talk to her. Congratulations and again, I think you’re making a good move here. I wish I could be there, but then again, the fact you leave me in the dust, is a good detail for the story, I’m telling. We’re having a lot of fun, at your expense,” she adds.
“Nothing new there,” I said. And I don’t mind. If you can get some free clothing out of it, please do!”
“I’m going to get clothing out of this, believe me. Give me that tank, and I’ll spill. It’ll be wrapped and bagged up in no time! These bitches are addicted to your antics… and my telling of said, antics.”
“Okay! Thanks for your help!”
Click.
Kay got her instructions from my sister and took them very seriously. Apparently, I smile, constantly. If I am not smiling while wearing a dress, it should come off, immediately, regardless if it looks good. No smile, means, I hate it. If I hate it, this will never change, even if it’s the best dress on the planet for me. Even if the dress is beautiful, there has to be visible dimples on my face or put it back!
There were many other guidelines, but they were not needed. We walked into the first store and found my dress, immediately.
My helper, Kay, carried it to the salesgirl and told her to guard it with her life. We hit a payphone. My sister gave it a thumbs up, and we were out of there. Operation Dress took less than fifteen minutes and I was thrilled.
I walked in to the vintage store and Paula greeted me in her way, which was happy and loopy. “Elsa!!!!! How’s the Shack Man?!
“He’s good, Paula. I’m marrying him and I need a ring.”
“Bitch didn’t cough up the ruby, huh?” she said. “What a bitch! So you decided you want a vintage ring? Makes sense. You do wear a lot of vintage stuff. What are you looking for?”
“Something pretty but inexpensive. It won’t be my real ring. It’s temporary. We decided to elope! We’re getting married this weekend.”
“The weekend is in two days!”
“Right! So let’s find me a ring.”
“Okay. But why, temporary?” she asked.
I explained, Shack’s desire to create a ring for me.
“Ooooh! That is one sexy man, you’ve got. I’d be jealous if I didn’t have a sexy man of my own. I’m sure I have something, you’ll like. I always do!”
I quickly settled on a ring with a ruby-colored stone. I know, I know. But I don’t like gold jewelry so selection was limited. I liked the look of the ring. I thought it would look good on me and also with my dress. I could shop all day, with Libra trying to decide, or I could buy it. I told her I’d take it.
She went to ring up the ring. I stopped her, explaining, Shack, was going to come pay for it.”
“He’s coming here? Here in the store?”
“Yes.”
“SQUEEEEEEEEE! You mean, I get to meet your, Shack Man? Oh, Elsa! I am honored, you came to my store for this. I could kiss you! When is he coming to pick it up?”
“Now? Can I use your phone?”
“Of course! But isn’t he at work?”
“Yes. But he’s waiting for me to call.”
I called and Shack left work, immediately and flew to the shop. He walked in, ten minutes later, charmed the hell out of, Paula, then paid for the ring, then dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him, while, Paula screamed with glee.
It was very funny.
I said, “yes”.
Everyone in the store, screamed and clapped. Now we’re getting somewhere! This is how things should move!
To be continued.
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